Dear Rude-Girl-at-The-Meeting-Today,

In the past, I’ve made the effort to have patience with the touchy feely, self-centered, “I’ve worked at CBOs for [x] years so I know more than you,” kumbaya attitude you bring to meetings. You’re young and, I’m sure, probably believe that the world’s injustices can be overcome solely by working at non-profits, “getting involved,” recycling and shopping at Whole Foods. I can’t fault you for this because I, too, was young once. Now I’m older, jaded and cynical. It happens to the best of us - but don’t worry. It’s not so bad.

However, your youthful earnestness doesn’t excuse you from simple, basic meeting etiquette. Let me spell it out for you:

  1. When you go to a meeting, turn off your cell phone. By “turn off,” I mean push the on/off button until your cell phone actually shuts down. “Turn off” does not mean sticking your phone deep inside your purse.
  2. Learn to recognize your own ring tones. Or, don’t play innocent - whichever applies. The odds are very, very low that two people at the same meeting have downloaded “My Neck, My Back” onto their cell phones. So, yeah - that call’s for you, bitch.
  3. We all know someone’s calling you, so stop the ringer already. Ok, we’ve just watched you dig through your purse searching for your goddamn phone - now that you’ve got it in your hot little hands, TURN THE RINGER OFF. There is absolutely no reason you need to let the phone continue to ring as you get up from the table and walk over to the door. Every single cell phone has a ringer mute button. USE IT.
  4. Do not have a personal phone conversation in the middle of a meeting. This seems painfully obvious to most people, but apparently you felt that walking 5 feet away from the table put you at a safe enough distance to start having a loud personal conversation into your phone. Whispering would have at least shown some respect on your part - but instead, you chose to speak louder than the rest of us. Jesus.

I really hope you take these pieces of advice to heart, because you and I have many more meetings scheduled together.

If not, I’ll just have to kick your skinny little ass.

Sincerely,
me