I just spent 30 horrible, terrifying minutes waging war with the first cockroach of the season. Welcome to summertime in Houston. Fuck.

Since I was young, I’ve held a deep, deep, intense hatred and fear of cockroaches. They’re easily the most disgusting, terrifying and dangerous creatures on this planet. Especially the ones that have harrassed and tormented me here in Houston. A particularly traumatizing childhood memory involves me running and screaming from a huge, black cockroach flying through the air towards my head. It even made a nauseating “chk chk chk” sound as it flapped it’s disease-laden wings.

I’m 100% positive that whoever came up with the saying “everything’s bigger in Texas” had more than just a few run-ins with Houston roaches. These mutherfuckers are big, ugly, and have no fear of man or beast. Seriously. Whip out a can of Raid, and instead of running away from you as Mother Nature intended, Houston roaches will turn around to face you and yell “bring it on, biatch!”

Plus, they have these really big stingers full of lethal poison. Really. No one believes me when I say this, but it’s true. Most have fangs, too. And rabies. And mad cow disease. And anthrax. So if you’re one of the many who have scoffed at my warnings about homicidal roaches, and you suddenly find yourself in the emergency room close to death and being pumped full of anti-venom, don’t come crying to me. You fools.

So, tonight. I walk into the house and in the middle of the dining room floor was a huge, black roach. As usual, my first reaction was to freeze. So, for a whole minute, the roach and I stared at each other….its disgusting antennae waving in the air, smelling my fear and plotting my death. All of a sudden, it stretched open it’s wings like it was gonna fly and I took off screaming into the bedroom.

The next 30 minutes were a blur…but they involved me, a pair of hiking boots, a can of Raid, miscellaneous thrown objects, and lots and lots of screaming. Fortunately, in the end, human triumphed over beast. Survival of the fittest, yo.

So here you see the remains of the poisonous, homicidal cockroach. The thing next to it is a quarter. The shine on the floor is from a big puddle of Raid. Getting rid of the fucker was as terrifying as killing it - as I carried it outside on a dustbin thingy (wearing gloves, natch), I had visions of it resurrecting to life and running up my arms to kill me.

Oh, speaking of rescurrection - Happy Easter, everybody. I sure am glad that Jesus died for our sins this weekend, cuz I had Friday off and hung out at the pool. Woo!