Bipolar Woman had stopped screaming in my coworker’s office. I pressed my ear against the door. Silence. I knew it was a bad idea. My brain was saying, “no no no” but my bladder was saying, “It’s either the bathroom or right here on the floor. What’s it gonna be, biatch?”

Slooooowly and without a sound, I turned the handle and opened the door.

The reception area was still and quiet. My eyes scanned to the desk on the left, where I expected to see Bipolar Woman. Empty. I breathed a “woooo” under my breath and stepped out of the office.

Then, I saw her. Staring at me. Bug eyed.

There are two desks outside my office, and she was sitting at the one I didn’t expect. Stupid! Stupid! I told myself. She was sitting quietly in the chair, holding the phone receiver with her hand hovering over the phone dialpad. I think we startled each other because we both froze for a few seconds, staring at each other.

Just as my bladder started thumping painfully, Bipolar Woman suddenly blinked, threw her arms in the air and let out a huge,

“PPPPPHHHHHHHHHEWWWWWWWWW!!!! YOU SCARED ME, GIRL!!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE COPS!!!! I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THE COPS ARE COMING AFTER ME!!!! HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!”

Then she turned around to make her phone call. As I ran out of the office to the bathroom, I saw a coworker crack open her door and peek out. Cowards!

————

Of course, returning to my office meant getting past Bipolar Woman.

Bipolar Woman (BPW): [speaking very rapidly] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey I need to talk to you.

Me: Ok. [ahhhhhhhhh]

BPW: You remember that Environmental report you did? I need it. I need it now. I need you to give it to me. I need it.

Me: You mean the Environmental Scan?……

BPW: Yeah! Scan! Scan! I need the Environmental Scan! You see, I got a beef with Green Mountain Energy and Centerpoint and I need to present them with facts when I go to fight with them.

Me: Oh, ok….but you know, the Environmental Scan wasn’t about the environment, per se….it’s a scan of the “funding environment” in Houston. It’s about the “environment” of health care, not about the physical environment.

BPW: Oh! Yeah! That’s perfect! I need that too! I need to know EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING you know, I want to know too. EVERYTHING.

Me: Even though this report is about the funding streams that come into Houston, and not anything to do with oil & gas companies?

BPW: Yes! Ooh, yes! It’s all related, you see. I will need EVERYTHING when I present my findings to City Council! You wouldn’t BELIEVE the things I’m gonna tell them.

Me: [sigh] Ok, sure. I’ll see if I can dig up that report…..

BPW: Oh, don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be today. I don’t want to interrupt your work [wanna bet?]. I’ll be here tomorrow for the Council meeting. I’ll get it from you then.

Me: Alrighty. Well, I’m really, really busy right now so I gotta get back into my office….but I’ll see you tomorrow, Ok?

BPW: OK!! Thanks! You’re the best!!!

This time, I’ve locked the door.